13 great, but insane, alternative uses for fireworks
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By now, I bet you’re all geared up for the 4th of July. You’ve probably got your keg ordered, your endless supply of hot dogs, and your box of cheap yet decent-enough fireworks.

However, perhaps you’re like me in that you’ve gotten really bored with fireworks. After all, they’re just lights in the sky. Hell, the most exciting part about fireworks is watching your drunk friends try to light them. Honestly, if you still enjoy fireworks, you’re probably either a) a child or b) high as hell.

But don’t worry, this holiday isn’t completely lost. There are still a ton of other uses for fireworks. For example…

1)You Could Build An Army

2)You Could Rule the Pit

3)Film Your Own Avenger’s Movie

4)Remodel The Bathroom

5)Replace Super Soakers With Roman Candles

6)Test Out Your Fireworks in a Firworks Factory

7)Attach Them To A Drone and Chase Your Friends

8)Create Your Own Badass Movie Walkoff

9)Play Cowboy

10)Liven Up Your Breakdance Routine

11)Create a Gatling Gun

12)Play Fetch With Your Dog

13)On Second Thought, Don’t Do Any Of This. All Of These Are Really Terrible Ideas. Just Sit Back and Enjoy the Show

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“It was terrific and really unusual”

These old folks are my heroes. In my opinion, seeing live music is one of greatest experiences one can have. It’s just good for the soul.

However, festivals can wear you out. I love going to them but they will take years off your life. There’s people puking everywhere, $6 bottles of water, people who shouldn’t be crowd surfing but they are anyways. At the end of the weekend you feel like you’re deaf, melting, and on the verge of aneurysm.

But you know what, at the end of it all when you’re back at the office, you wouldn’t trade that weekend for anything. So credit to these old timers for sticking with it, being open-minded and trying something completely different.

Also, Denny can party with me and my crew anytime he wants. That dude knows how to have a good time.
old people at bonnaroo

man chops friend nose off with sword
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Graphic Warning: Alcohol and Swords do NOT mix (Obviously)

As a fan of martial arts, I grew up collecting a ton of weapons, swords included. As a fan of alcohol, I drink a lot. However, even I know that combining the two is a very bad idea, even more so when drunk friends are involved.

I think this fellow here learned his lesson. Unfortunately, he’s going to have to remember that lesson ever time he looks into the mirror and sees a reflection of the Great Sphinx of Egypt.

PS: Nunchucks and booze are a completely acceptable form of party fun.

men run into fire and save dogs
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Men kick down doors to save three dogs


One minute you’re just walking down the street, messing around with your Go-Pro Camera and the next you’re rushing into a burning building to save some pets. Much credit to these guys for being just complete badasses. I give them a 10 for their animal saving abilities. But I give them a 5 for their door-kicking abilities.

I’m like Frankenstein when it comes to fire. I’m just terrified by it. However, I’d like to think that I would act like these guys in saving some dogs or cats. But not people. People suck.

cost of real jurassic park
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Anyone want to give Bill Gates and Warren Buffet a call?

Yeah, $23,432,400,000 is a lot of money. But you know what?

It would totally be worth it.

Come on, I’m pretty sure at least 90% of the world wants a living, breathing Jurassic Park. It would put Disney World, Universal, the Zoos, Six Flags, and everything else fun on this earth to shame. I would rather pet or at the very least see a dinosaur more than anything else in this world. I would probably sell my first unborn child for that chance.

And I’ll tell you this. I already know how to save some money for this park. You HAVE to replace the park’s employees with robots. If you can afford $24 billion to make a dinosaur park, you can damn sure afford to make some robots to make me a hot dog and pick up all that dino poop.

So what do you say world’s richest people. Don’t be boring, be John Hammond. Money, big buisiness, and giving to charity is great. But dinosaurs are so much better.

elaborate propsal
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Obviously, She Said Yes


An entire movie theater!? All of your friends!? A HIGH-QUALITY MUSIC VIDEO!?

Does this guy have no respect for the other men of this planet? Every female on wants some breathtaking and one of a kind proposal. How the hell are us normal guys going to compete with this. I know I certainly can’t compete with this. I got bills to pay. I can’t afford a ring AND a movie theater rental. Have you no decency, dude? You’re making the rest of us look like crap.

I don’t know how proposals go in Australia, but here in the good old U.S.A, we do things the half-assed way. Us men take care of each other.

Oh well, looks like I’m going to have to block this video from my girlfriend’s eyes somehow.

father's day lie detector
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Well, That Was Awkward

I don’t think you could pay me to do this with either of my parents. I just don’t think I can handle any of the awkward questions thrown at me and I don’t think my parent’s hearts could handle the answers. However, it is rather refreshing to see the dads take all the responses in stride. Because I’ll be honest, if I were a dad, someone may be getting chased with the ol’ wooden spoon. I don’t care how old they are.

Have to respect that one guy though for his blunt honesty:

Dad – “Have you ever spent any of my money on drugs”

Son – “Most of it”

old man gets eat by gator
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The gator nearly devours the old man

Obviously, this older gentleman has never seen Happy Gilmore. Otherwise, he would have learned from Chubbs Peterson and the damned gator that got his hand.

I thought older folks were supposed to be smarter than the younger generation? I mean I’ve never seen any college-aged dude try to play Steve Irwin at the course.. Hell, John Daly is drunk when he plays golf and he’s never wrestled a razor-toothed monster before. I mean come on, sir. You can go to the club shop and buy a new ball for like $4. I know you’ve got at least $4 in that retirement fund of yours.

50 shades of grey sequel
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E.L. James Follows Up Bestseller with ‘Grey’


As a writer, I’m sick to my stomach at how seemingly terrible ‘Grey’ is. I mean, this is some of the laziest writing and dialogue I have ever seen, and that’s including short stories I’ve read by elementary school children.

However, as a person who likes money, I’m impressed. Yes, the writing is disgustingly poor. But you know what? If I could fill a swimming pool full of money and buy whatever I want, I’d phone in my next book too. Who has time for writing when you can literally buy whatever you want? Hustling over writing, baby.

I imagine James’ thought process goes something like this:
“Ok, the publishers need to see the next 100 pages by tomorrow. What should I do? Oh, I got it! I’ll just put on PornHub and run through some really hardcore stuff for ideas. If that doesn’t work I’ll just have one of the maids write this thing up.”

Check out some of the Pulitzer prize winning writing below:


And here’s the winner….