South Park: The Stick of Truth is coming out on March 4 and thank goodness it’s only a week away after all of the delays and anticipation. The game is developed by Obsidian Entertainment (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II), but all of the writing and voices are being done by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park. The combination of the two parties means that this game will be a finely tuned RPG, while keeping the hilarity of the show and its characters intact. What might be most exciting is that this game will have an open world, which entails that you can finally explore the quiet mountain town on your own. You’ll be able to visit all of its landmarks and more importantly interact with all of the quirky inhabitants. Here is a list of the characters I’m looking forward to mingle with.
#13 Crab People
The Crab People once dressed up as the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and tried to take over the world, but proved to be unimpressive. I foresee them being early-game enemies, but still cannot wait to hear them chanting “Craaab-People Craaab-People.”
#12 Mr. Hankey and Family
Mr. Hankey has proven to be much more than a talking piece of Christmas poo. In one episode, he almost destroyed the entire town through his kinetic ability to control the sewer system. He will surely be a great weapon to utilize, but I’m more excited to talk to his drunken poo wife, who’s always talking about her husband’s lack of fortitude in the bedroom.
#11 Mr. Gueermo
Mr. Gueermo was just in one episode—the High School Musical parody—but made a lasting impression. He was an abusive father of a popular boy that happened to be extremely flamboyant and slaphappy. His bullish attitude combined with his feminine characteristics should make for an entertaining boss battle.
#10 Lemmiwinks and Friends
Lemiwinx and his ghost friends should also be fun to interact with, especially after the most recent episode when Lemiwinx killed his brother. That episode really turned the Catatafish into a star with all his bass to mouth jokes. Hopefully he’s come up with a few new fish puns for the upcoming game.
#9 Scott Tenorman
Scott Tenorman is a ginger kid who Cartman has had countless feuds with, —one episode ending with Eric making Scott eat his own parents. It is a fact that ginger kids will be a faction of enemies in this game and Scott is undoubtedly their leader. I just hope he and Cartman have one last great encounter that involves a lot of ginger bashing and fat jokes.
#8 Th Raisins Girls
The Raisins Girls are Hooters Girls for elementary school kids, but they have the same effect as their older counterparts. They wear skimpy outfits and flirt with the male customers to get more tips. It should be fun just to walk into that restaurant, not to mention what the girls will do to your character for money.
#7 Cousin Kyle
Kyle’s cousin Kyle is overly stereotypically Jewish. He complains about everything in his whiny, nasally voice and always puts a damper on the gang’s exploits. I’m expecting him to help your character accumulate whatever type of currency they’ll use in the game.
#6 Cheesing
Not a person, but an action that I desperately hope will be included in the game is cheesing. The episode when cheesing became an epidemic in South Park was an instant classic If you’re not in the know, cheesing is sniffing the urine that male cats secrete when they are marking their territory, and it brings the druggies of South Park into a trip of epic proportions.
#5 Nathan
Nathan is a handicapped kid who hates the gang’s crippled friend Jimmy. In an episode that was based at a camp for special needs children, Nathan tried to sabotage Jimmy’s camp experience with his clumsy friend Mimsy, and hilarity ensued. Oh, and he also gave Jimmy steroids in another episode. This scheming mentally challenged fellow should be a great enemy in this game.
#4 Christmas Critters
The Christmas Critters were part of Cartman’s sick, twisted mind, and they came to life in the Imaginationland trilogy as well. One scene that will be stuck in my head forever is when they raped Kurt Russell after he ventured through the portal into Imaginationland. You didn’t actually get to see Kurt Russell get penetrated—just heard his screams. But we’re actually going to get to see what they can do in action in the upcoming game.
#3 Manbearpig
Manbearpig was great as a fictional character thought up by Al Gore, and even better as a real fictional character in the Imaginationland trilogy. I can’t wait to see how evil and truly heinous he is when he is introduced in the video game.
#2 Tuong Lu Kim
Tuong Lu Kim is the owner of Citi Wok, a Chinese restaurant in South Park and he might be one of the most underrated and underutilized characters in the show. He’s had multiple personality disorders, dustups with the Chinese mafia and the Mongolians, and has built a great wall around the whole town. But what should be the best part about interacting with him is listening to his amazing accent in which he pronounces his own restaurant as “Shitty Wok”.
#1 Randy Marsh
I’m most excited about Stan’s dad—Randy Marsh—to see what he brings to the game, because he has quickly become the most enjoyable and hilarious character on the entire show. From getting into fights at baseball games to comparing alcoholism to a terminal illness, interacting with Mr. Marsh should be one of the most entertaining facets of the game.
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