It’s that gloriously green and sloppy time of year again. The one day of the year where we gorge ourselves with corned beef and pretend to enjoy Killians or Guinness.
It’s St. Patrick’s Day.
Of course, in addition to parades and bag pipes, there will be drunks. A lot of them. To prepare you for this celebration of everything Irish, we’ve compiled a list of the 7 types of inebriated individuals you will surely stumble across.
Day drinking is a completely different animal. You can’t just start your day with a Long Island Iced Tea. No, no, no. You need to work your way up to it with mimosas and beer. But every year on St. Patty’s day, someone makes the mistake of downing sugary vodka concoctions at 9 a.m. with their bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Big mistake friendo, now it’s 6 p.m. and you’re passed out in your own vomit and green glitter.
This is the poor sucker who got out of work late and is now forced to down 5 Irish Car Bombs and 4 drafts of Guinness in an hour. Problem is, unless you’re Andre the Giant, you’re going to find yourself in puke city right next to the early pre-gamer.
Every group of friends has this drunk on St. Patrick’s day. The drunk who doesn’t mention his heritage until March 17th when there’re bragging about it through a green megaphone. The is the drunk who continuously professes his love for U2 and corned beef and cabbage, even though you’ve only seen them eat Taco Bell and heard them listening to Lil’ Wayne.
Now, this drunk is quite possibly the only drunkard who has an excuse for getting out of hand. This is Christmas morning for them. It’s the one time of the year when they’re not frowned upon for running around twirling their Irish flags and starting non-stop fights. Safest thing to do if you see these folks is shake their hand and let them continue on their merry way.
It’s St. Patrick’s day, and your buddy’s wife has decided to to let him leave the coop and have a night out with the guys. Unfortunately for you, he’s got cabin fever and he’s going to try and make up for missing a year’s worth of partying in one day. This means it’s going to be a long night of shots for you and your comrades, which will of course mean an early morning hangover.
Very few things in life are a given. But every year, around 3 a.m, someone’s going to get thrown into the drunk tank. Usually, this same guy is also the drunk bro. This is the drunk who has painted their entire body green, been slapped for fondling women, and caused a scene for asking a little person where his pot of gold is. To this person, I say sit down on your cold jail cell bench and enjoy your police-issued baloney sandwich.
This guy. This damn guy is the worst. The dude had one job and he failed terribly. If you comes across this buffoon, it will be your civic duty to shame him for all the day.
