14 Awesome Things We Learned About the New Smash Bros.

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Nintendo Direct streamed a massive sneak peek at the new Smash Bros. games yesterday on YouTube, and holy hell, people, these games are going to be incredible. Here’s just a little taste of the badass shiz we can expect to see later this year when Smash Bros. comes to 3DS and Wii U systems worldwide.

1. We have a release date! Kind of.

Smash Bros 3DS will help us while away the hot summer, and the Wii U version will keep us warm in winter. Win-win.
Smash Bros 3DS will help us while away the hot summer, and the Wii U version will keep us warm in winter. Win-win.

2. Every level will have tons of music from every game you’ve ever loved.

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Less so for 3DS players, but they’ll still be able to choose from two different songs for each stage.

3. Stages will be different between the versions. Wii U players will get to fly around Mario Galaxy…

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I hope you’re ready to get crazy with physics all over again!

4. …while 3DS players get to romp around with NintenDogs.

"Ugh, Mario, I swear to God if you use that star one more time I'm going to cram it up--AHHH LOOK AT THE PUPPEH"
“Ugh, Mario, I swear to God if you use that star one more time I’m going to cram it up–AHHH LOOK AT THE PUPPEH”

5. There will be a host of new items to choose from, including this doozy.

The X-Bomb will spit fire in four directions all across the stage. And you though Smart Bombs were annoying.
The X Bomb will spit fire in four directions all across the stage. But brace yourself, because it’s nothing compared to the Mario Kart Blue Shell.

6. Boss battles will be a new feature on numerous stages, including the Yellow Devil from Mega Man.

Looks like Cyclops' secondary mutation cost him his junk.
Looks like Cyclops’ secondary mutation cost him his junk.

7. New challengers include Greninja and Charizard, plus separate character slots for alternate forms of fighters like Sheik and Zero Suit Samus.

Ladies and gentlemen, Zero Suit Samus--still the sexiest video game character ever, now with rocket boots.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zero Suit Samus–still the sexiest video game character ever, now with rocket boots.

8. Returning challengers will enjoy an array of brand-new moves, like Kirby’s adorable fire-powered Hammer Flip.

Omg he's even cuter when he's angry!
Omg, he’s even cuter when he’s angry!

9. Master Balls will make their debut, so you can summon Arceus, Palkia, and many more legendary Pokemon separately from more common pocket monsters.

"Sup. God here. Did somebody order a heaping helping of wrath?"
“Sup. God here. Did somebody order a heaping helping of wrath?”

10. Two new online play modes will be available for everyone: the carefree enjoyment of “For Fun”…

Pff. Casuals.
Pff. Casuals.

11. …and the hardcore, totally metal competition of “For Glory.”

Slap some Powerglove on the stereo and get ready to rumble.
Slap some Powerglove on the stereo and get ready to rumble.

12. Nintendo also has a new ranking system that tells you how many people you’ve outscored online.

"Suck it, ya hippie!"
“Suck it, ya hippie!”

13. Masahiro Sakurai also told players about new security measures that will deter cheaters and assorted online miscreants.

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And Sakurai will then personally come to their homes and beat nine kinds of hell out of them.

14. But let’s be honest: the best reveal of the night was that King Dedede will be making a whole bunch of super wacky faces in every match.

More like King DERPDERPDERP
More like King DERPDERPDERP

Dedicated smashers can watch the whole video right here. Trust me, it’s totally worth it to see the Animal Crossing Villager’s macabre final smash in action for the first time. Personally, I just can’t wait to start kicking people in the face with Samus’s new rocket boots. Summer can’t come fast enough.

All images courtesy of Nintendo.

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