Here at Bolt3, we are relatively open-minded about Flappy Bird and the rest of its ilk. We loved Splashy Fish, got a kick out of Fly Birdie, and cried more than once over Ironpants. Hell, we’ll even accept Flappy Pig, bless his little swine heart. But Flying Cyrus has gone too far.
It’s not so much that the game follows the exact same format as the original and steals Flappy Bird’s distinct sound effects. It’s not even that there’s something intrinsically wrong with a pixelated Miley Cyrus. I loved “We Can’t Stop,” I really did. If there was a mobile game in which you guided a buzzed Miley Cyrus through wastelands of dazed twenty-somethings and over steep, red cup cliffs, I’d be the first person to play.
No, the problem with Flying Cyrus is the nightmares. Consider this a warning: don’t play Flying Cyrus. Just don’t do it. You can’t handle it. None of us can. Do you remember The Ring? Remember how they said “don’t watch the video tape” and everyone went and watched the video tape? Remember what happened to them?
There was a whole lot of this:
And this:
And THIS:
Look, you need to listen to me here. I’m one of these people. I didn’t listen to the warnings. I thought that I was cool, that I could handle anything. I was wrong, and now I don’t have much time. I played Flying Cyrus for upwards of five minutes, but I haven’t slept since. All I can see is her face. Those soulless blue eyes. Those white fangs. That serpent tongue. I still wake up with cold sweats and the distinct feeling of that tongue in my ear.. I can’t eat. I can’t keep eye contact with anyone.
How can you when you’ve seen the real face of evil, when you know what waits for you inside the abyss?
I mean, just look at her:
\
Closer.
Ok, that’s enough —
JESUS CHRIST I SAID THAT’S ENOUGH!?^$&%$@^@@
HELP
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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