Surely this title must be a mistake… how might one besmirch the most beloved series in the history of nerds? But no, the time of reckoning has come. Mainly because almost every FF game on the app store is priced at a staggering 16 USD (excluding the first one, which is free if you load it onto a calculator). There needs to be a warning out for whatever bad fish the execs at SquareEnix ate to make them think a 20+ year old game is worth enough money hire a one legged hitman. Each of the games on this list should be bought an excessive number of times in place of a Final Fantasy title.
Waking Mars
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the Bard class from FF Tactics learned a move where he tells an enchanting story whilst lovingly planting a garden.
- Lore: One man. Trapped on Mars. Plus a lady and a sassy AI who are totally not trapped. He must jet-pack through a secret cave, making discoveries as he goes. Can he garden his way to safety? Will he wake Mars?!
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
STORY
You know how every FF game requires you to suspend both your disbelief and any high school education? In Waking Mars you only have to do half of that. At the sharp cost of sacrificing bird-horses, there’s some pretty convincing sci-fi going on in Waking Mars. The story is also chock full of mystery and intrigue that will have players on the edge of their seats. Will the intrepid Dr. Liang find OCTO? Will his supporting crew eventually betray him? Can he wake Mars? - Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if you kept the silent protagonist from an early Final Fantasy title, got rid of every other part of the game, and he went on a non-convoluted adventure with spiders and crap.
- Lore: Limbo features a young boy making his way across a treacherous landscape with only his standard sized jump and a pocketful of dreams.
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
ATMOSPHERE
Limbo is a game entirely in black and white. The shadows move, the lights blare, and the entire time you never have to ask why you’re sword-fighting a dozen people who have guns. Players die a good number of times on their relatively short journey through Limbo, and every death makes you shake. Almost like you’re emotionally invested! - Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if you had to walk around Sephiroth’s heart in total darkness looking for an escape. In this analogy Sephiroth is evil and not an emotionally handicapped half-character.
- Lore: You have fallen into the lair of Papa Sangre and must get out. Your eyes are of no use here, so you must use your keen sense of hearing to avoid a terrible fate!
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
- Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if Cid shared whatever drugs he’s on in every one of these damn things.
- Lore: An old man seeks God in the depths of the blue sea. Instead he finds hundreds of fish. Fish he throws in the air and blows apart with a gun. That’s the whole game.
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
- Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the “auto-play” button was replaced with a full battle system, that made it so you couldn’t win if you fell asleep.
- Lore: The deathless: they refuse to die. You must chop them with swords, until they chop you with their swords instead. Then your children must avenge you, by chopping the deathless with swords. Then it turns out you are your own children. *grunting noise* *clang clang* *grunting noise*
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
SWORD-FIGHTIN’
Infinity Blade throws its player into the fray of a fight in the same way Final Fantasy games threw us into the fray of not being sad because you didn’t even want a girlfriend (or boyfriend = equal opportunity joke). The player uses their fingers to control the arc of attacks, and pull off combos, super moves, or magic for even more damage. This series was a critical hit for those of us who wanted to actually swing their hysterically over-sized swords.
- Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is a Final Fantasy game pretty much, but you also get to own a restaurant, learning some of that responsibility ma’s always harpin’ on ’bout.
- Lore: You own a bar in the middle of the woods. Recruit a hardy crew of locals to go out and fight critters, and then use their ingredients to become the best restaurant in evAr.
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
EVERYTHING
Short of a class system, Adventure Bar Story has everything a FF game offers at a fifth of the price. Even better, you never kill a lobster and then wonder why it was carrying a +2 ring of strength. You kill a lobster and think, “sweet, now I can make some lobster. Can’t wait to apply these responsible business lessons to the real world.” Plus: this one keeps all that relentless grinding you love so much. Level up that culinary status!
- Number of Times You Should Buy It:
- Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the evil forces in Final Fantasy were terrible plagues, and humbly reminded you that everyone you know will one day die.
- Lore: TWIST, you’re a disease! Spread your brood across the world before the man-folk smarten up and stamp you out. Don’t forget to spread by boat.
- It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:
- Number of Times You Should Buy It:
1.6
Limbo
3.2
Papa Sangre
ACTION
Papa Sangre does not have any visuals, so you are never confused about your avatar’s gender. The only inputs the player makes are how far to turn and how fast to walk. You should choose to walk fast. Very fast. There is hog in this game and it sounds terrifying if that thing catches you. Added bonus: you never waste time figuring out why you’re collecting crystals, you just get them or suffer a grisly death in audio HD.
3.2
Ridiculous Fishing: A Tale of Redemption
BLASTICITY
Ridiculous Fishing takes no prisoners. You spend every minute of this game fishin’, upgradin’, and blastin’. You’re never waiting around for the stupid new blue mage gun to level up so it doesn’t get the rest of your weapons killed. The only thing that’s getting killed here are sea beasts! If they didn’t want to die, they shouldn’t have been worth so many points.
5.33
Infinity Blade Series
5.33
Adventure Bar Story
5.33
Plague Inc.
LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLES
Plague Inc. refreshingly changes the player’s core question from “how do I save the world,” to “how do I destroy this thing already?” As your plague grows stronger, you build up points to evolve symptoms and methods of spreading. Will you hop around on the backs of rats, or fly through the very air these fleshies breathe? Try not to look like too much of a problem early on with symptom combos like projectile vomiting to spread your tendrils everywhere. And start in Greenland. I cannot recommend high enough that you start in Greenland.
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