App Answers

So Blizzard just doesn’t want anyone to get work done anymore.

If you’re a fan of PC gaming at all, then you already know games made by Blizzard Entertainment, like the infamously competitive StarCraft series. If you enjoy making fun of the overweight or watching South Park, then you at least know the company’s biggest title, World of WarCraft. However, except for those on the very cutting edge of the video game informational singularity (such as myself), very few people know about the company’s latest Free to Play shenanigans in the form of a game called Hearthstone: Heroes of WarCraft.

Hearthstone is a free to play, digital card game recently released for Mac and PC. In terms of gameplay, it’s pretty similar to Magic the Gathering, featuring two players with a select amount of health, disposable creatures to deploy, and crazy spells to cast. Since Hearthstone is an entirely digital affair, everything comes with flashy visuals and fun sound effects, which add a level of delight you’ll be surprised to experience from a flash and a ding noise.

Hearthstone2
Flash! Ding!

The game differs from established card games in a few notable ways. Hearthstone’s players are divided into character classes from the WarCraft universe, such as Paladin, Rogue, or Mage, limiting the type of cards they’re able to use. These classes also come with innate special abilities that can be used in place of playing a card. Character abilities create an extra unique-feeling play style for each deck, and the avatars seem like are actually in combat even though all of the elements are represented through cards.

The whole thing is experience, nice on the eyes, and only eats up around 5-15 minutes to play through a game.

What’s more? Hearthstone is coming to every type of screen you could possibly imagine.

Hearthstone1
Could you imagine? Image courtesy of 2p.com

According to an interview on Twitch towards the end of last week, Blizzard announced the iPad version of the game is already in a late beta phase. This means nerds might be seeing it in the app store as soon as a few weeks from now.

Mobile versions of Hearthstone for iPhone and Android are also reportedly under way, but won’t be ready to launch for a much longer time. The designers of the game want every port to play as well as the computer versions do now, and won’t compromise quality to hasten a release.

The Hearthstone network will allow matchmaking between the various systems, so you and your friends can finally play cards while you poop.

Because we live in the future and that’s what happens here.

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PRAISE THE SUN, that was legitimately scary there for a minute

I mean, just look at that lion thing!

xl_dark-souls-2-(1)

A Darker Soul

The original Dark Souls was a fantastic game. A sickening game. A frustrating game. A glorious game. It won six Game of the Year awards, not counting all the awards it won in similar but slightly differently worded categories. Dark Souls killed its players more times than any of us should have found acceptable, and yet we kept coming back for more.

It was only to the fanbase’s Scooby Doo-esque horror when From Software announced that the sequel would have a T rating and would be far more “accessible” than previous entries in the series. This is in the hardcore gaming community, you understand, where “accessible” can carry the same kind of dire, understated implications as “surprise sex.” Dark Soul Heads (as they prefer to be called) immediately imagined their favorite game being ruthlessly battered into the shape of a Dynasty Warriors style, pillow fight simulator for wanton pursuit of profit.

Everyone exploded accordingly.

Luckily after yesterday’s release, it was revealed that Dark Souls II has almost no pillow fighting at all. According to the reviews compiled on Metacritic.com, it might even be better than the original. The sequel offers a bigger world with more distinct areas, more brutal monsters, a more intuitive tutorial, a new humanity system, new weapons, an updated multiplayer invasion system, and new classes.

Dark-Souls-II-Screenshot-02

The real pressing question is now that this game is finally out, a nearly perfected vision of the genre From Software has been setting out to make for over half a decade, what the H E double hockey sticks is the studio going to do next?

With the major console iterations of Dark Souls II available now for XBox 360 and PS3, the PC version is expected for release in late April.

I’d write more, but… it’s time to play more Dark Souls.

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Like a stern man. Get it? Because–with the name of the show–and the President is a serious person… Okay.

The Commander in Chief of the United States of America appeared on a web video released today on FunnyorDie.com’s Between Two Ferns.

The web series, hosted by comedy bad boy Zach Galifianakis, is renowned for it’s unflinchingly confrontational interviews and deliciously awkward moments. The whole institution is a scorpion’s nest of celebrity roasting and satire.

The internet has gone aflame with viral chatter on the video, with “Between Two Ferns” and “Zach Galifianakis” reaching the top ten of Twitter’s trending topics. Some fans thought the show wouldn’t be able to surpass it’s brutal interview with Justin Bieber a few months back, wherein Galifianakis eventually got up from his chair and spanked the pop idol on his sass rump. However, it’s safe to say this stint has made bigger waves already, even if nobody was physically assaulted.

Obama held his own in the interview, trading jabs with a presidential tier of wit and precision. For example, after Zach asked if Obama would be pardoning another turkey next year, the President rebutted by asking whether it saddens him that there’s a bird out there he won’t be able to eat; a direct comment on the comedian’s voluptuous frame.

After Obama ruthlessly mocked Mr. Galifianakis’ role in the most recent failed Hangover movie, Zach blurted “let’s get this out of the way, what did you come here to plug?” And the President did indeed have something to plug: Healthcare.gov.

Obama gets his message across in spite of an entertaining yet hostile report with the host, urging young people to sign up for healthcare before March 31st. So even if you don’t think the video is that funny, it gets something done.

There are uncomfortable silences galore in this public relations spectacle. Please, don’t take my word for it, check out the video below.

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Without spoiling any of this fantastic article, SpawnFirst.com is to gamers as Gandalf is to Frodo in the Shire: a call to a grand adventure.

A Desert Rose

There are a lot of game networks out there on the wide, wide internet, GiantBomb, IGN, Polygon, Kotaku, Game Informer, Ma & Pa’s ElectroGame Periodical, each with their own specialties and sensibilities. We all know site loyalty on the blogs is as crucial as gang allegiance on these mean streets. So how the devil is an average Joe supposed to choose a game network anymore? If only there was a fresh solution…

Enter SpawnFirst.com, the web’s most 1337 gaming website (my words). When SpawnFirst isn’t pwning n00bs hard enough to send them back in time to their quilting hobby, they provide extensive coverage of happenings on all levels of the games industry. With a dedicated team of enthusiasts working around the clock to break stories and explore ideas, the website produces high quality content at a fast and consistent pace to keep up with your lifestyle.

At SpawnFirst.com viewers can expect:

Clean Presentation

SF1

The layout of the website resembles an application, slyly matching the aesthetic of the popularity of tablets. Categories are cleanly laid out at the top of the site, and the home page is constantly shifting the displayed content to provide users with a colorful and energetic visual experience. Unlike Goliath networks such as IGN, SpawnFirst sticks to analyzing or reviewing news related to games alone, without sloppily spilling over into films or pop culture.

Interactive Interface

SF2

Weekly polls decorate the side of SpawnFirst, reminding visitors that their input is crucial to the construction of the content. Visiting the website, one feels that their opinions really shape the layout of the site from the format all the way down to the style of the writing. Reviews, for example, list positive and negative highlights of each game as “gets us hot” and “turn offs” respectively. Meow, kitty cat!

Fresh Perspectives

SF3

Aside from their intrepid team of staff writers, SpawnFirst welcomes contributing writers to share their opinions and philosophy with the community. As a result, the articles explore and touch issues uncommonly debated throughout the gaming scene.

For more on SpawnFirst.com, go visit the site already!

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As the scriptures hath foretold: the gays are coming. And they’re going to pick a sensible date for their reception.

Several states like New York, Massachusetts, and California have already passed gay marriage into law, but many heads did a double take last week when federal judge, Orlando Garcia, struck down the ban on same sex arrangements in the conservative bastion of Texas. This event could be the beginning of the end of the least political political debate of our time.

With the raging debate over the legalization of gay marriage sweeping across America in the last 10 years, both sides of the field have asked some tough questions. Do wedding attendees enjoy quiche? Are homosexuals people? Are they the result of a sick lab experiment by some ancient civilization? The world may never find all the answers (except for the quiche one, yum yum yum!), but it can learn to laugh through these tough times.

Several sultans of satire have weighed in on the topic, ranging from big TV names like Stephen Colbert, all the way down to local NYC stand ups @KatieHannigan, @MikeBlejer, and @AndrewTavin. Check out their hilarious videos below:

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We all know the feeling.

It’s Friday night. You’ve had a long week of work at your uncle’s glue factory in Western Kansas. In the back of your mind you can still hear the unfeeling din of machines crushing hooves into gel… So you invite all your buds over to play some Rock Band, just to have fun and take the edge off.

Suddenly, “hold up.” They put down the plastic instruments. “You don’t get to shoot anyone in this game? Weak, man. Let’s play some Call of Duty.” “Yeah and we can use that sweet mod where we all get to look like horses.”

Will this nightmare never end?

Some people are tired of the rhythm game formula. Maybe the Dance Dance Revolution series, 8 Rock Band iterations, and seemingly countless Guitar Hero games in the mid to late 2000s simply bled that horse dry (be strong, you’re a journalist now). But that won’t stop developer Harmonix, masterminds of the Rock Band and original Guitar Hero games, from innovating the genre that they know best. After teaming up with the fine people behind Counter Strike: Global Offensive, this super group is out to shock the industry with the world’s first musical FPS, Chroma.

Chroma isn’t a Rock Band clone. Harmonix insists that while the title uses elements of the beat matching genre to carve out its niche, players shouldn’t feel left out if they were born with no groove bone. The five playable classes announced so far (assault, support, engineer, tank, and sneak) require varying levels of musical dexterity, but all do an impressive amount of blasting. The assault class, for example, carries ye old machine gun that’s ready to spray all the time, but also grenades that go only off when the music hits a downbeat. As of this stage in development, players compete in teams to control constantly changing areas of the map. Each weapon has it’s own sound, and the shifting dynamic of land possession alters the soundtrack.

Chroma is set to be a free to play title for release on the Steam platform. As a matter of fact you can even sign up to play it now. Keep in mind, the game is still in early development, meaning totally unbalanced, glitchy, and unpolished as the minotaur’s mirror. Eager beavers who want to participate in alpha playtesting should go to http://www.playchroma.com to sign up.

Lazoorrr to the beat
Lazoorrr to the beat

Featured Image via Neoseeker

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Acquitted killer, George Zimmerman, has seen his fair share of battles in the last two years. Starting with what one could loosely call a “fight” against unarmed teen, Trayvon Martin, Zimmerman carried on to face the scorn of the American public during his well publicized trial. In more recent news, he pulled a shotgun on his girlfriend, and successfully charmed her into dropping the aggravated assault charge. The man has come out of every engagement almost entirely unscathed. But how will the reigning champion fare against the spirit of chaos, itself?

That’s right. Rapper DMX.

image courtesy of stereogum.com
A New Challenger?

Known as “the Dog”, “X”, or “Darkman” throughout his legion of ultra-violent songs, DMX volunteered to fight Zimmerman in a celebrity boxing match scheduled to go down March 1st. The event was the brain-child of opportunist fight promoter Damon Feldman, who reviewed some 15,000 applications to fight Zimmerman.

There is wide speculation over who’s likely to win the match-up, as the out of shape Zimmerman has technically been taking boxing lessons, while DMX is rumored to be hooked on crack. The Dog also has a 13 year disadvantage on the fresh faced contender, repping the ripe age of 43.

Several parties, including Al Sharpton, have spoken out against the fight on the grounds of it being disrespectful. There is certainly something about the pop-star treatment of a real-life teen murderer that should give us pause.

On the other hand…

When asked about the match, X told the press:

I am going to beat the living **** out him… I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I **** him right up… Once I am done with him, I am going to whip my **** out and piss on him.. right in his mother****ing face… Zimmerman is a piece of ****, and that’s what he needs to drink.

Straight from the horse’s mouth. And I say horse because they both don’t know how to use computers .

Legend tells of entertainment so powerful it pierces the veil of morality. This fight may be it.

Featured image via tmz.com
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See the guy with the beer? He should be dead.

A man who gave his name as Jose Ivan was found in the Ebon Atoll of the Marshall Islands last week. His hair and beard were appropriately unkempt as he washed ashore on a 22 foot, fiber-glass boat with a sea turtle in it. The man claims he left Mexico for El Salvador late in 2012 in that same boat.

According to his story, Jose set sail for El Salvador with a companion some fifteen months ago. However, the other sailor did not survive long after the boat’s engines lost power, setting the two adrift.

Jose was found in only tattered undergarments with no fishing equipment. He was luckily found by local islanders who sought care immediately. A Norwegian anthropology student stationed on the island, by the name of Ola Fjeldstad, reported the survivor to be in bad condition but “getting better.”

It turns out relative terms are the most reliable to use when describing a man reduced to the physical state of an over-dried sponge.

courtesy of theguardian.com
courtesy of theguardian.com

Since the story broke, sources from Mexico have verified some of the travelers claims. His name is Jose Salvador Alvarez, and he was indeed reported missing November 17th 2012. Search attempts were cancelled shortly after as bad weather limited visibility.

Alvarez claims he only survived the journey by catching fish and sea turtles with his bare hands. The lack of any tools inside the boat support this notion. Supposedly he drank rain-water during storms, but had to use turtle’s blood as a substitute in times of long drought.

If this story is true, it will beat the previous record for longest time lost at sea by a staggering six months. A title currently held by three men who drifted from Mexico to the Marshall Islands for nine months in 2006. Unlike Ivan, these voyagers could reinvigorate their spirits using the power of friendship.

Upon discovering Alvarez, he was immediately taken to the atoll’s main island so the islanders could use Ebon’s one phone to make a call to the foreign ministry. So far, Jose’s story is looking mostly true.

The Department of Public Health has yet to release a statement regarding the use of turtle blood as a substitute for basic fluids.

Featured image via theguardian.com
unaltered image courtesy of IGN.com
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Surely this title must be a mistake… how might one besmirch the most beloved series in the history of nerds? But no, the time of reckoning has come. Mainly because almost every FF game on the app store is priced at a staggering 16 USD (excluding the first one, which is free if you load it onto a calculator). There needs to be a warning out for whatever bad fish the execs at SquareEnix ate to make them think a 20+ year old game is worth enough money hire a one legged hitman. Each of the games on this list should be bought an excessive number of times in place of a Final Fantasy title.

Waking Mars

    • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the Bard class from FF Tactics learned a move where he tells an enchanting story whilst lovingly planting a garden.
    • Lore: One man. Trapped on Mars. Plus a lady and a sassy AI who are totally not trapped. He must jet-pack through a secret cave, making discoveries as he goes. Can he garden his way to safety? Will he wake Mars?!
    • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

      STORY
      You know how every FF game requires you to suspend both your disbelief and any high school education? In Waking Mars you only have to do half of that. At the sharp cost of sacrificing bird-horses, there’s some pretty convincing sci-fi going on in Waking Mars. The story is also chock full of mystery and intrigue that will have players on the edge of their seats. Will the intrepid Dr. Liang find OCTO? Will his supporting crew eventually betray him? Can he wake Mars?

    • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

      • 1.6

      Courtesy of iTunes.com
      Courtesy of iTunes.com

      Limbo

      • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if you kept the silent protagonist from an early Final Fantasy title, got rid of every other part of the game, and he went on a non-convoluted adventure with spiders and crap.
      • Lore: Limbo features a young boy making his way across a treacherous landscape with only his standard sized jump and a pocketful of dreams.
      • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

        ATMOSPHERE
        Limbo is a game entirely in black and white. The shadows move, the lights blare, and the entire time you never have to ask why you’re sword-fighting a dozen people who have guns. Players die a good number of times on their relatively short journey through Limbo, and every death makes you shake. Almost like you’re emotionally invested!

        • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

    3.2

    Courtesy of bubblews.com
    Courtesy of bubblews.com

    Papa Sangre

          • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if you had to walk around Sephiroth’s heart in total darkness looking for an escape. In this analogy Sephiroth is evil and not an emotionally handicapped half-character.
          • Lore: You have fallen into the lair of Papa Sangre and must get out. Your eyes are of no use here, so you must use your keen sense of hearing to avoid a terrible fate!

     

          • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

     

    ACTION

    Papa Sangre does not have any visuals, so you are never confused about your avatar’s gender. The only inputs the player makes are how far to turn and how fast to walk. You should choose to walk fast. Very fast. There is hog in this game and it sounds terrifying if that thing catches you. Added bonus: you never waste time figuring out why you’re collecting crystals, you just get them or suffer a grisly death in audio HD.

          • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

     

    3.2

    Courtesy of iTunes.com
    Courtesy of iTunes.com

    Ridiculous Fishing: A Tale of Redemption

          • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if Cid shared whatever drugs he’s on in every one of these damn things.
          • Lore: An old man seeks God in the depths of the blue sea. Instead he finds hundreds of fish. Fish he throws in the air and blows apart with a gun. That’s the whole game.

     

          • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

     

    BLASTICITY

    Ridiculous Fishing takes no prisoners. You spend every minute of this game fishin’, upgradin’, and blastin’. You’re never waiting around for the stupid new blue mage gun to level up so it doesn’t get the rest of your weapons killed. The only thing that’s getting killed here are sea beasts! If they didn’t want to die, they shouldn’t have been worth so many points.

          • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

     

    5.33

    Ridiculous-Fishing

    Infinity Blade Series

          • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the “auto-play” button was replaced with a full battle system, that made it so you couldn’t win if you fell asleep.
          • Lore: The deathless: they refuse to die. You must chop them with swords, until they chop you with their swords instead. Then your children must avenge you, by chopping the deathless with swords. Then it turns out you are your own children. *grunting noise* *clang clang* *grunting noise*
            • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

              SWORD-FIGHTIN’

              Infinity Blade throws its player into the fray of a fight in the same way Final Fantasy games threw us into the fray of not being sad because you didn’t even want a girlfriend (or boyfriend = equal opportunity joke). The player uses their fingers to control the arc of attacks, and pull off combos, super moves, or magic for even more damage. This series was a critical hit for those of us who wanted to actually swing their hysterically over-sized swords.

     

          • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

     

    5.33

    Courtesy of iTunes.com
    Courtesy of iTunes.com

    Adventure Bar Story

            • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is a Final Fantasy game pretty much, but you also get to own a restaurant, learning some of that responsibility ma’s always harpin’ on ’bout.
            • Lore: You own a bar in the middle of the woods. Recruit a hardy crew of locals to go out and fight critters, and then use their ingredients to become the best restaurant in evAr.
            • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

              EVERYTHING

              Short of a class system, Adventure Bar Story has everything a FF game offers at a fifth of the price. Even better, you never kill a lobster and then wonder why it was carrying a +2 ring of strength. You kill a lobster and think, “sweet, now I can make some lobster. Can’t wait to apply these responsible business lessons to the real world.” Plus: this one keeps all that relentless grinding you love so much. Level up that culinary status!

     

          • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

     

    5.33

    Courtesy of Macworld.com
    Courtesy of Macworld.com

    Plague Inc.

            • Final Fantasy Analogy: This game is like if the evil forces in Final Fantasy were terrible plagues, and humbly reminded you that everyone you know will one day die.
            • Lore: TWIST, you’re a disease! Spread your brood across the world before the man-folk smarten up and stamp you out. Don’t forget to spread by boat.

     

          • It’s Better than Final Fantasy at:

     

    LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLES

    Plague Inc. refreshingly changes the player’s core question from “how do I save the world,” to “how do I destroy this thing already?” As your plague grows stronger, you build up points to evolve symptoms and methods of spreading. Will you hop around on the backs of rats, or fly through the very air these fleshies breathe? Try not to look like too much of a problem early on with symptom combos like projectile vomiting to spread your tendrils everywhere. And start in Greenland. I cannot recommend high enough that you start in Greenland.

          • Number of Times You Should Buy It:

     

    16

    Courtesy of iTunes.com
    Courtesy of iTunes.com
    Featured image via IGN.com
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There are thousands of stand ups around the world, and that’s not including the MILLIONS chained up in the dungeon of old, drunken kings. However, a few of these artists are making serious names for themselves armed with nothing but their jokes. The Paragons of Haha’s on this list may not have their own TV shows, but are certainly doing well enough that all of your coworkers know about them. Prepare yourself for a live-comedy chat at the water cooler today:

Kurt Braunohler

Courtesy of brooklynvegan.com
Courtesy of brooklynvegan.com
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, Bunk, Delocated, Bob’s Burgers
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: You prefer a life devoid of whimsy and have never purchased a vandalized “Thank You” card in New York City.
  • Bio: Kurt’s self-proclaimed mission in comedy is to bring stupidity or absurdity into the public’s lives. He is debatably most famous for his acts of comedy activism, such as pretending to be various authors at the bookstore and proceeding to autograph those books. His 2013 live album How Do I Land was well received by critics, even the ones that like airplanes.
  • Apartment Game Show with Kurt Braunohler

Andy Daly

Andy-Daly
Courtesy of paulftompkins.com
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, Comedy Bang Bang, Eastbound and Down, Delocated, Reno 9-11, 5 Million Other Things
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: Glasses make you throw up a bit.
  • Bio: This man is a modern comedy legend living in LA, with a specialty in pretending to be other, less successful people. Andy is a gifted actor and his stand up album “Nine Sweaters” features him doing 5-13 minute sets as a different character on every track. That’s not to mention you’ve seen him as a minor role in literally every movie that has ever been made.
  • Comedy Bang Bang Episode 200

Paul F. Tompkins

Courtesy of comedycentral.mtvimages.com
Courtesy of comedycentral.mtvimages.com
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, Comedy Bang Bang, Mr. Show, Community
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: Enchantingly told stories remind you of an older relative whom you are desperately trying to block out of your memory for some reason.
  • Bio: This man is a modern comedy legend living in LA, with a specialty in pretending to be other, more successful people. Paul’s most popular impressions include Werner Herzog, Ice-T, The Cake Boss, Gary Marshall, John C. Reilly, and Andrew Lloyd Weber. Most impressive however, is the sheer amount of amateur comedians that try to be Paul by stealing his mustachioed-look.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Laboring Under Delusions”

Hannibal Buress

Courtesy of http://cdn.c.photoshelter.com/
Courtesy of http://cdn.c.photoshelter.com/
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, The Eric Andre Show, Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, Louie
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: Sure you do, buddy, he’s that silence of the lambs guy.
  • Bio: With a vocal style reminiscent of the famous Mitch Hedberg, Hannibal’s always got your back with a unique take on topics like why you should kick pigeons. The success of his 2009 album My Name is Hannibal launched his career all the way to funky town, landing him writing jobs on both SNL and the fifth season of NBC’s 30 Rock. Hannibal currently cohosts the Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim. That show is crazy.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Live From Amsterdam”

Maria Bamford

Courtesy of http://comedycentral.mtvnimages.com/
Courtesy of http://comedycentral.mtvnimages.com/
  • Credits: Her Damn Stand Up Comedy, Arrested Development, Adventure Time, Legend of Korra, CatDog
  • Why You Don’t Know Her: You’re afraid of blonde people, which is something you’re going to have to confront eventually.
  • Bio: Maria only sounds like a crazy person because she is so damn talented at doing voices. With an impressive voice-acting career from shows on Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon, Maria has no problem convincingly portraying a full dysfunctional family on stage. Even the dad, you ask? Yes, even the dad.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Ask Me About My New God”

Kyle Kinane

Courtesy of http://b.vimeocdn.com/
Courtesy of http://b.vimeocdn.com/
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: His bearded, punk-rock attitude is avoided at all costs in your sheep-like lifestyle.
  • Bio: Mr. Kinane proudly quotes the London Evening Standard on stage for describing his act as “bleak and misanthropic.” Kyle has the soul of a modern poet alongside the soul of a meth’d out truck driver and the two of them have a hard time getting along in one body. He’s comfortable talking on stage about his useless creative writing degree from college or just bunnies having sex the wrong way in front of kids.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Death of the Party”

Brent Weinbach

Courtesy of http://4.bp.blogspot.com/
Courtesy of http://4.bp.blogspot.com/
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: He’s not on TV, which is apparently this HUGE deal.
  • Bio: This man is known for his alternative sense of humor and his deadpan delivery on stage. He has as many jokes in his act as he does scientific experiments. Brent also holds the glorious title of winning the Andy Kaufman Award in 2007, who was this other guy you’ll have to read a whole different article about.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Mostly Live”

Natasha Leggero

Courtesy of http://www.dandion.com
Courtesy of http://www.dandion.com
  • Credits: Her Damn Stand Up Comedy, The Roast of James Franco, Betas, Ugly Americans, He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Why You Don’t Know Her: The hard E sounds in “The Queen of Mean” bring out your tinnitus.
  • Bio: Natasha is renowned for her brutal style of comedy, which landed her on the Roast of James Franco last summer. She prefers the simple things in life like publicly mocking women who decide to keep their babies or enraging the internet over a Pearl Harbor joke. How can the internet still get enraged over a Pearl Harbor joke? They. Don’t. Have. Enough. Cats.
  • Roasting Jay Leno:

Kumail Nanjiani

Courtesy of http://images.amcnetworks.com/
Courtesy of http://images.amcnetworks.com/
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, Portlandia, The Indoor Kids, Burning Love, Michael and Michael Have Issues
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: Something something racism.
  • Bio: The co-host of a podcast about video games with his wife, Kumail is a big ol’ nerd. Hailing from sunny Pakistan, Kumail manages to bring his jokes from an outsider’s perspective both socially and culturally. His appearances on Portlandia are always the highlight of the show, even though Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are yelling all the time.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Beta Male”

James Adomian

Courtesy of http://images.huffingtonpost.com/
Courtesy of http://images.huffingtonpost.com/
  • Credits: His Damn Stand Up Comedy, Last Comic Standing, Comedy Bang Bang, Axe Cop, Children’s Hospital
  • Why You Don’t Know Him: The gays have erased your memory of him with their insidious secret technologies.
  • Bio: Legend says radical scientist James Adomian survived a blast from an experimental beam, emerging as a host for the souls of over 10 different TV personalities. He then proceeded to really kill it at stand up comedy using his unholy, new advantage. James can sound like a lot of different people, and he’s not afraid to get up in your face about culture, politics, and being gay around a lot of bullshit beer commercials.
  • Stand Up Clip: “Low Hangin’ Fruit”

Featured image via 123rf.com