Paul Cohn, Author at BOLT3

9 Ways to Tell You Game Too Much

Enough is enough. Video games have destroyed the lives of so many people, and so many more are on the brink. If you have seen any of these warning signs in your own life or a loved one’s, seek immediate help. You have been warned.

1. You game on the go. And not in the way you’re thinking.

2. Even your cats are addicted.

3. You’re embarrassed to show people your Steam hour count.

4. You have recurring dreams.

5. You buy games you don’t even want.

6. When you’re just checking the time, you open your favorite iPhone game by habit.

7. You drive around in GTA5 just to “be there.”

8. Video games are no longer a reward, they’re a punishment.

9. You make extra trips to the bathroom “just in case.”

featured image via cheatsgta5.com

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Goat Simulator is Coming Out April 1st. Seriously.

No, this isn’t a joke — it’s actually happening. Goat Simulator, the game that was never really supposed to be a game, is being released on Steam on April 1. Coffee Stain Studios never really intended for their Global Game Jam experiment to be released, but after millions of people viewed their Youtube videos and wide coverage in the video game press, they finally caved into pressure. And they did it in glorious style as evidenced by the trailer below, which has a disturbingly appropriate track that sounds as wonky as the game itself.

For those who don’t know, Goat Simulator is a 3D physics simulator starring you as The Goat. You can do typical goat stuff, like fling axes and drag your butt around town. I’m fairly confident we’ll be able to go ahead and call Game of the Year century right now. Although it might be a close call with games like Toilet Simulator and Curtain Simulator in the running.

You can preorder Goat Simulator for $9.99. In the meantime, watch the Goat Simulator trailer below.

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Best Reactions to the Polar Vortex

This winter has indisputably been a time of crisis for the United States with all the talk about the Polar Vortex, but sometimes the best part of a faux-weather crisis is just sitting back and watching it unfold. Even better is seeing what the intelligent and informed people of the internet have to say. Here are some of the best (read: worst) reactions we could find.

Captain Planet to the rescue!

This Reddit conversation has quickly deteriorated into a fart analogy.

I’ll see your Polar Vortex and raise you a Meteor From God.

Tl;dr. But seriously, the government needs to do something about this shit pan we’re holding.

Yes, “The Day After Tomorrow” is finally happening. Someone get Dennis Quaid on the phone.

This guy forgot it still gets cold during the winter.

Luckily, there’s still people like this.

Solid reasoning.

It’s cold in January! Al Gore lied to us!

From the same people who brought you The Global Warming, this Christmas: The Polar Vortex!

And here’s the guy who created the polar vortex.

featured image via imgur.com

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What Flappy Bird Means For Our Future: Pros and Cons

Flappy Bird has taken the world by storm, but is it a good thing? What does it mean for our future? Probably nothing good, but you can decide for yourself.

Con: Kids will never know this game.

Pro: They will never know true frustration.

Con: Our descendants will never know where the pipes came from.

Pro: At least they will know what pipes are.

Con: Only games that are impossibly hard will be considered “good.”

Pro: People will no longer be rewarded for doing nothing.

Con: Your worth will be judged by a number.

Pro: At least you can prove your worth.

Con: Breaking your phone will be seen as a reasonable thing to do.

Pro: If you do break your phone, at least you’ll have something to blame.

Con: Games that require more than one finger will become extinct.

Pro: Eating and gaming will be even easier than this.

Con: Even more people will start playing Clash of Clans.

featured image via ign.com

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18 Treehouses That Put Your Real House To Shame

Treehouses are no longer just a few slabs of wood held together with superglue. While you’re out struggling to find an apartment or house that doesn’t have roaches, these people have figured out the right way to do it. These professionally-glued treehouses may just make you want to leave everything behind and live a simpler life.

1. This house with three and four half-levels.

2. I’d like a room with a view.

3. You can have both large windows and privacy.

4. I don’t know where this staircase goes, but I know I want to be there.

5. The Mariotts look a little different in South America.

6. You can finally spit out your window in 360 directions.

7. Each member of the family gets their own house.

8. This one comes with a sundeck.

9. This restaurant in Japan.

10. All I need is a turret to be happy in life.

11. This kid’s playhouse…

…that’s nicer than my apartment.

12. This mansion that could fall down at any second.

13. This hidden haven.

14. This lounge is kind of out of the way, but…

15. This guy built his own house out of garbage.

16. Just don’t start a forest fire.

17. I always wanted a little red house with a picket fence.

18. And this.

featured image via fastcocreate.com

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This Is Actually How Groundhog Day Works

We’ve come so far.

It’s no wonder that people complain about the accuracy of weather forecasts when the Groundhog Day ceremony looks like it was pulled right out of Alice in Wonderland.

This is basically how it works:

A crowd gathers, as if for something important.
Twenty men in top hats and monocles wake up the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, and present him in Simba-fashion to the people.
One of the men talks to the groundhog and pretends that it has responded.
Another man reads a formal result from a wooden scroll (yes, a scroll) and reveals, through limerick, that there will be six more weeks of winter.
Everyone in the crowd yells angrily.
That’s it. Weather has happened.

Sure, it’s not science, but it’s . . . something.

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This New Lord of the Rings Game Will Blow Your Mind

An Assassin’s Creed-style game set in Middle Earth? Could you ask for more? Watch below for a pre-alpha walkthrough of Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor.

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8 High school classes that would have been more useful than P.E. I think we can all agree with #6.

High school is great for playing in marching bands and learning important dates that you will later forget, but there are some crucial life skills it doesn’t teach you. Here are just a few.

1. Resume Writing Essentials.

2. Basic Social Interactions.

3. Intelligent Dishwasher Loading.

4. Proper Handshake Etiquette.

5. Dressing Yourself in Clothes Like a Person.

via bestylish.org and photoshopgurus.com

6. Real Food Cooking.

7. Roommate Interaction Fundamentals.

8. Basic Household Maintenance.

featured image via corbis

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These Signs Will Make You Weep For Humanity

Sometimes the overwhelming condition of Humanity just makes me want to crawl into a corner and curl up into a ball. The signs that follow may make you want to do the same.

1. Also, no walking or driving.

2. They put this sign right in the way of my wooden raft.

3. The guy putting it up thought it made sense.

4. Do not have but two microwaves in any kitchen.

5. Wait…What does water have to do with rain?

6. Challenge Accepted.

7. I’m doing my shopping somewhere else.

Featured image via pilgrimakimbo.wordpress.com

BOLT3

9 Ways to Tell You Game Too Much

Goat Simulator is Coming Out April 1st. Seriously.

Best Reactions to the Polar Vortex

What Flappy Bird Means For Our Future: Pros and Cons

18 Treehouses That Put Your Real House To Shame

This Is Actually How Groundhog Day Works

This New Lord of the Rings Game Will Blow Your Mind

8 High school classes that would have been more useful than P.E. I think we can all agree with #6.

These Signs Will Make You Weep For Humanity

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