Check out these sexy Uberfacts! UberFacts is self-admittedly a place for sharing the best “most useless information on the web.” Useful information? No. But great procrastination destination? Yes. The facts tend to be racy, sex-based content–with an eye for the bizarre. You’ll blush! You’ll gasp! You may be more than a little disturbed…

1. Double D for Danger

The old adage “careful with those things” may apply here. Apparently, a woman actually tried to suffocate her boyfriend with her own breasts. The weapon(s) in question were forced down upon the man’s face, with the pretense that the couple was playing a sexy game. Certifiably freaked out, the man, in states of undress, managed to flee the scene and escape to a neighbor’s house. Apparently, the game was more Clue than S&M: it was Ms. Hansen! In the bedroom! With the…

2. The Nutcracker

Of all the sexy Uberfacts, this one may be the most horrifying. In what may be the quintessential nightmare for men everywhere, a Chinese woman reportedly squeezed a man’s testicles so hard that he died. The fight began when the woman parked her bicycle outside of the man’s shop while picking her son up from school. The fight quickly escalated, and then the woman went for the jewels and began screaming. The man went into shock and could not be resuscitated.

3. Matrimony Gets Ugly

In a spat of some of the nastiest legal hooey ever, a man from Northern China sued his wife for being ugly. When the couple had a baby that was “unattractive,” the man accused the wife of sleeping with someone else. The wife then revealed that she had had massive amounts of plastic surgery. Outraged that he had been married under “false pretenses,” he began his lawsuit. And apparently won, unfortunately.

4. A Kick to the Gut

A young woman who had no idea that she was pregnant apparently gave birth a day after her kickboxing match. The girl–who was only 17–had supposedly been pregnant for seven months without understanding what was going on. Though she felt “heavy” she never realized she was with child. Talk about a “Rocky” birth.

5. Love is a Ride

Ever feel like love is a roller coaster ride? No, not metaphorically. Like an actual ride. A 33-year-old woman with a rare proclivity called “objectum sexuality” (attraction to, yep, objects) plans to marry a Gondola amusement park ride that she’s loved since she was a young girl.

6. Menage-a-stalk

Nothing says “I love you” like breaking-and-entering. A Florida couple recently found an undressed intruder in the bedroom of their house, who apparently had been infatuated with the woman for quite some time. The perpetrator–a charming Mr. Dwayne Cook–was incarcerated shortly thereafter and charged with stalking, assault and battery, and various other buzz-killing crimes.

7. Alcohol: The Key to Any Lasting Marriage

Sexy Uberfacts presents information you already guessA new study has emerged that finds that being drunk helps couples cope with (surprise, surprise!) simply existing together. The study gathered information from almost 20,000 married couples in a single county in Norway. The key to the study, however, was that the couples drank the same amount of alcohol. So don’t be square! Drink up!

8. Don’t Cheat!

A woman apparently stabbed her boyfriend for cheating…at the board game monopoly. The 60-year-old woman in question started arguing with her partner in the middle of the game, and then, when things got more heated, grabbed a knife and began to attack him. C’mon people. I know that cursed Parker Brothers game is a grueling mixture of boredom, cynicism, and rage, but no one likes a sore loser.

9. Outsex Your Friends for Higher Self Esteem

Of all the sexy Uberfacts, this one will probably surprise you least of all. Apparently more sex = better self esteem. While that might seem kind of obvious, a new study from the University of Boulder, Colorado makes some interesting point. When it comes to sex, people are happier when they feel that they have the most sex out of all of their friends. Akin to most things in life–when people feel that they are outperforming their friends and colleagues, they tend to be happier and feel more contented with themselves.

10. Road (Head) to Ruin

In Singapore, in another instance most men would refer to as a TOTAL NIGHTMARE, a woman accidentally bit off her lover’s penis while the two were mid-vehicular fellatio. To make matters worse, the affair was taking place between a man and his secretary. Supposedly, the unfortunate occurrence happened while the two were parked in a car, and a reversing van accidentally jarred the car from behind. Owch.